17 apr. 2013

happiness = ???

After many years of mental analysis and consideration I have come to the conclusion that you die the way you're born: naked and alone. Hopefully, and happy.
You take the first steps in life surrounded by a family that apparently loves you. Later, you discover that the ties and bonds get weaker and weaker until they disappear completely. You no longer care about them, nor they about you. Your relationship reduces to the point where you only talk once or twice a year. You don't need them anymore, you're strong and independent, you have a family of your own and you try your best to not break this one too.
You have best friends. You love them more than everything. You live under the impression that this kind of relationship lasts longer than "the young and the restless". Let me tell you something:" Time passes by like lightning - before you know it you're struck down". Remember my last post about perfectly happy people who grow apart in a second. No matter how much you wish to stay the same, no one can stop change. People DO grow apart, and the saddest thing of all is that they don't even realize it's happening. The illusion that this is just in your head, is well... just an illusion. Demons are real.sometimes they walk around disguised, concealing their true identity, but they're still right there, wherever you go.
The love of your life, again, might leave you for another. You wake up one morning next to someone who's been there all these years, yet you feel lonely as hell. Asking yourself what you've done wrong, won't help. And just like that, the promises you made that your family will stick together this time, get broken as well.

And now, the most important people in your life are gone in the blink of an eye. What to do? Did they make you happy? Have you forgotten all those books, those songs, those movies about happiness being a state of mind? it was YOU. The way YOU felt about everything made you happy, not the people around you. It all came from within, so why the hell is it so hard to reach the mountain top again, all by yourself? What makes you happy? Reading? Shopping? Music? the sunlight? What is that one thing that makes you forget about all the crap in the world? Have you found it yet? Well, do it!
Why do we need other people? What if we loved ourselves the way we think we deserve to be loved? What if the only true happiness is the one we find in ourselves?
I'm tired of being afraid, everyday, because I love everyone much more than I should.
I'm tired of feeling lost.
But until I learn how to keep myself from falling apart, I have someone who will do that for me. And maybe it will be forever, maybe I was wrong. And maybe I'm happy...

14 apr. 2013

The Forgotten.

"When you cry yourself to sleep, when you're shaking so hard you can't even breathe, when you're freezing at 95 degrees in the summer. That's when you know you've hit it. That's when you know there's no turning back.

People often grow apart because they get bored of each other or because they realize their interests are not matching, at any point. They grow apart because they leave, because they stay, because they accidentally find another soul mate. And most importantly, because they don't really know what love is.
But why does it also happen to people who truly care about each other and promise each other a life full of happines and togetherness and fluffy clouds with no chance of raining? Why do people grow apart, when they grew up together?
Maybe it's like taking a long trip around the world, in a car without brakes; you can never stop. AND you can't afford to fall asleep. The only way to keep yourself awake is by communicating with your companion, sitting right next to you. So you start talking and talking and laughing and sharing every single intimate detail you remember. But eventually, you start feeling like you're talking too much so you just stop. Both of you. And you fall asleep. What do you wanna crush into? A tree? A wall? A truck that's coming from the opposite direction? Doesn't matter. The point is you will, anyway.
So maybe people grow apart because they try too hard to keep everything from falling around them. They try their best to be the most perfect version of themselves, to be better, they ignore the bad feelings and premonitions, hoping all this will disappear and be forgotten in the end. But they get tired of doing this all by themselves. Tired and insecure, and they never say anything because they don't wanna take that chance in the hope of a positive outcome, because it won't be there. They fear that if they open their mouth, everything will fall into pieces.
They go to sleep at night, asking themselves what's wrong, what's right, what's going to happen. No one knows what's troubling them, they seem fine, even to the person sleeping right next to them. When they wake up, trey realize they've been replaced with better people.

What do you do when you're the one who's slowly being forgotten? What can you do, when you just wanna get back in the game but you're only wanted there as a back up plan? Can you go from being the 1st to being last, in just one day? Can you go on knowing that you once were the main character, and now you're not even close? You can only wait for the storm to pass, or the wind to take you away, maybe forever.
When your irreplaceable and lovable soul gets thrown away, what do you do?
If you think you're safe where you are now, think again. You never know what the next day will bring. And I know you can't imagine that's going to happen to you. "What could possibly go wrong?" Everything.
Even when you think you're amazing.
Even the prettiest flowers wither."

12 apr. 2013


“Marie, let’s suppose that two firemen go into a forest to put out a small fire. Afterwards, when they emerge and go over to a stream, the face of one is all smeared with black, while the other man’s face is completely clean. My question is this: which of the two will wash his face?

That’s a silly question. The one with the dirty face of course.’

No, the one with the dirty face will look at th...e other man and assume that he looks like him. And, vice versa, the man with the clean face will see his colleague covered in grime and say to himself: I must be dirty too. I’d better have a wash.’

What are you trying to say?’

I’m saying that, during the time I spent in the hospital, I came to realize that I was always looking for myself in the women I loved. I looked at their lovely, clean faces and saw myself reflected in them. They, on the other hand, looked at me and saw the dirt on my face and, however intelligent or self-confident they were, they ended up seeing themselves reflected in me thinking that they were worse than they were. Please, don’t let that happen to you.”

21 nov. 2011

Drugs are bad, mmkay

Acum ceva timp cineva imi povestea cum s-a lasat de fumat: isi cumpara tigari dar nu avea niciodata bricheta, statea pur si simplu cu tigara in gura fara sa o aprinda. Imi spunea ca nu la nicotina incearca sa renunte, ci la reflexul de a fuma. Nu putea scapa de chestia asta, simtea nevoia sa stie ca pachetul e acolo si ca tigara e in mana lui.

Mi s-a parut amuzant, de fiecare data cand il vedeam ca face chestia asta ma abtineam cu greu sa-i intind bricheta mea.

Acum cateva zile mi-am amintit de asta si mi-am dat seama ca nu e deloc amuzant, e de fapt foarte greu. Si asta fac si eu, dar la un alt nivel. Incerc (de fapt nu incerc, dar circumstantele ma forteaza) sa renunt la ceva, dar o parte din mine inca spera ca nu e nevoie, nu acum, nu inca.

Deocamdata sper ca se va intampla unul din doua lucruri: fie ca prin minune o sa reusesc sa rezist tentatiei de a aprinde si "ultima tigara", fie o sa-mi bag picioarele si o sa ma duc sa-mi iau pachetul de unde l-am lasat si sa o iau de la capat ca si cand nimic nu s-ar fi-ntamplat.

Cica atunci cand te lasi intri in depresie - total de acord, se simte asta. Dar, "tutunul dauneaza grav sanatatii". Acum depinde de tine sa alegi, tii mai mult la sanatatea mintala sau fizica? Vrei sa continui sa te simti bine 'macar de data asta' sau vrei sa induri si sa-ti rozi unghiile?

Nu stiu, nu stiu, nu stiu.

Tigara ce ar alege? Sa arda de vie sau sa stea cuminte, in siguranta, printre surorile ei?
In fine. Lasand metaforele la o parte...
E greu sa nu stii ce vrei; iar daca afli ce vrei, e greu sa nu stii cum sa ajungi acolo, sau daca e bine sa ajungi acolo...

5 mai 2011

Rain rain, don't go away

imi place cand ploua. lumea se uita foarte ciudat la mine cand zic asta, dar mereu mi-a placut. cand eram mica si ploua ma opream din orice activitate si stateam sa ascult fiecare sunet si fiecare picatura care cadea pe acoperis.
e mai, cica ultima luna de primavara. dar ploua incontinuu si e frig. deci hai sa stam in casa azi, sa citim ceva frumos, sau sa bem ceva bun sau... nu-i asa ca e o vreme perfecta pentru asta?
si-mi place ca e cerul gri. dar azi nu pare trist. cerul, adica. nu e trist. e gri ca asa vrea el, s-a saturat sa se imbrace in albastru probabil.

ha, a inceput mai tare. cred ca-i place sa se simta apreciata; doar e femeie (o ploaie - doua ploi). vrea sa-i tina pe barbati in casa de ziua lor, stiu eu. are planuri marete pentru toata lumea.
acum stau si ma gandesc daca oamenii sunt fericiti. daca stiu sa pretuiasca lucrurile astea. dar nu cred ca mai sta cineva sa asculte ploaia.